


The Knife

by ethereal_xo



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabble, Gen, Magnus is there to comfort, Self-Harm, but sometimes even that isn’t enough, tw: self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-12 23:52:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14738150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ethereal_xo/pseuds/ethereal_xo
Summary: Alec is still having a hard time accepting what happened with Jocelyn...but the ledge wasn’t the last time he struggled completely to cope.(Warnings: implied depression, self-harm.)





	The Knife

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit dark, and I’m sorry for that. I’m slowly making my way through the second season of Shadowhunters and seeing Alec’s reaction to what happened while he was possessed...I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

He knows he shouldn’t and he can’t breathe and he can’t think and  _ oh god he can’t stay inside his own head anymore _ . 

The blade is glistening on the counter. He can see it out of the corner of his eye. He can feel its presence. He knows he shouldn’t. 

_ Murderer.  _

_ Disappointment.  _

_ Disgrace.  _

_ Unloved.  _

_ Unwanted.  _

He needs it. He picks it up before he thinks it through. 

The pain of the blade cutting his skin is almost a relief. He can focus on this now, instead of the conflicting pain inside his head. The  _ iratze _ rune heals his skin but he cuts it again. Damned healing to hell, he needs to feel something to make him think about something other than Jocelyn on the ground, Clary’s face when she saw him on the tape… 

“Alexander!” 

His head snaps up, and he sees Magnus in the doorway, his face pale and eyes wide. Alec can feel his hands shaking, a droplet of blood oozing down his fingertips. 

The blade slips from his fingertips and clatters on the floor. His feet sway and the ground seems to fall from under him. He hears loud footsteps and feels arms grabbing him. 

He hears a soft whisper - “I told you to come to me, Alexander…” - and suddenly a lump forms in his throat. 

He buries his face in Magnus’ neck, shame and a hollow sadness bubbling up. Tears pour down his cheeks as he starts to weep. 

Magnus shushes him. Magnus runs his hand through Alec’s hair. Magnus, always so strong and loving. Alec, so weak and useless and unworthy. 

They sit there for hours. Alec cries. 

He’s still a murderer, and no sweet nothing Magnus can whisper will change that. He’s still a murderer. 

“It’s okay, Alexander,” Magnus murmurs. “It’s okay. I love you.”

How can anyone love a murderer?


End file.
